It’s 2:30am and I can’t sleep.

I have to admit that I’m still learning about the kiwi political system and how Parliament here works, but today was a big day. In May of this year, Member of Parliament Louisa Wall (Labour- Manuwera) introduced legislation to legalise same-sex marriage in New Zealand. This evening, Laura and I sat glued to Parliament TV, watching the the first reading of the bill, and the arguments for and against, biting our nails waiting for the results of the conscience vote.

The bill passed its first reading with a vote of 80-40. Which is huge.

Admittedly, it’s just the beginning of the process. From here, the bill will be considered by a select committee, and then there will be two more votes before it can pass in to law.

To me the issue of marriage equality — and equality for the LGBTQ community generally– is an intensely personal one. It’s why I left my home country to create a new life abroad.

In the US, the inequality is tangible. Rights for LGBTQ people vary from state to state, but nowhere in the United States offers full equality and equal protection under the law for same sex relationships due to overarching federal laws that legislate discrimination.

Even states like Connecticut, Massachusetts, Vermont, Iowa, New Hampshire, and New York, which allow same-sex marriage still don’t offer full protection and equality under the law to same sex couples. There are 1,138 federal rights and protections granted to heterosexual married couples that don’t apply to legally performed same-sex marriages in those six states and the District of Columbia.

These rights and protections that all heterosexual married couples in the US are automatically eligible for include tax benefits, social security payments following the death of a spouse, employee benefits, healthcare, and immigration, just to name a few.

I’m grateful to live in a place where same-relationships are recognized by the government, and where for the most part– marriage excepted– I have equal protection under the law as any straight person would. Only 15 countries– Australia, Belgium, Canada, Denmark, Finland, France, Germany, Iceland, the Netherlands, New Zealand, Norway, South Africa, Sweden and the United Kingdom– recognize lesbian and gay couples for the purposes of immigration. I feel fortunate beyond measure that I happened to fall in love with someone from one of those places, and my heart aches for so many friends and others out there who don’t have the ability to legally live in the same country as the person they love.

Every single day I am grateful to be here in New Zealand, and to wake up with my partner right here beside me.

For a long time, the issue of same-sex marriage wasn’t that important to me. Oh sure, I supported it, and went to rallies, and emailed my members of congress, and donated to the Human Rights Campaign. But marriage itself didn’t seem particularly appealing to me. I was in favour of civil unions and civil benefits that offered equal protection under the law. Marriage seemed too tied up in religion and heterosexual norms. I was proudly queer and going to carve out a different life for myself than what society dictated. Marriage, schmarriage. Not for me. No white dresses, over-the-top extravagant affairs or registering for sets of expensive china that no one actually needs.

And then, something began to change. Maybe it was finally meeting the right person, and knowing instinctively that I had met my soulmate and the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.  Maybe it was attending friends’ weddings, and seeing how joyful and beautiful and truly, truly special those occasions were.

Watching my lesbian friends marry– I saw how much respect there was for the word marriage, the institution of marriage, and gratitude for the simple ability to marry that most straight couples take for granted.

If you’re a religious institution that doesn’t support same-sex marriages, then don’t marry same-sex couples in your church/place of worship. Fair enough.

But there are heaps of churches and congregations that are open and affirming and that do support marriage equality (St. Andrews’ on the Terrace here in Wellington is just one example). So why should those churches be prevented from legally marrying members of their own congregations, just because other churches don’t want to?

Most people grow up assuming that they’ll meet someone and get married. It’s what people do. And it’s heartbreaking to have politicians and the government telling you that you can’t participate in one of the most meaningful events in life. You can make a commitment to each other and share a life, but you can’t marry. Sorry– didn’t you know? Equal rights are only for us straight people.

Now, there’s nothing wrong with getting a civil union. If you can’t or don’t want to get married, it’s a good option, and I think it’s awesome that in New Zealand, both heterosexual couples and same-sex couples have that option. But it’s not the same. There’s not a universal understanding of what a civil union is. If I called up my grandmother in Colorado and said, “Guess what, I’m getting Civil Unioned!” (or “CU-ed,” as a friend used to refer to it) she wouldn’t have the slightest idea what I was talking about. But if I said, “Guess what, I’m getting married!” that would be something that would immediately make sense to her.

And in terms of immigration, if Laura and I ever wanted to move back to the US (should the laws there change to make such things possible!) a domestic partnership or civil union from New Zealand would be meaningless. We would need a proper marriage.

I’m hopeful that the US government will end the Defense of Marriage Act and allow the federal recognition of thousands of legal marriages that already exist in the US, and allow same-sex couples in every state to marry and have their marriages recognized across state lines.

I’m hopeful that in the coming months, New Zealand will pass the legislation read tonight, allowing marriage to be an option to all New Zealanders.

And I’m hopeful that someday soon, I can legally marry the love of my life, and have that marriage be recognised in both of the countries that I call my home.