You guys, I am totally hopeless at writing these days. Actually, that’s not true. My writing abilities aren’t the issue. The situation is that my job title contains the word “digital” in it, so I am on the computer ALL DAY at work. And the last thing I want to do when I come home in the evening is turn the computer on. Evenings have become my sacred time at the house with my love and the cats, spending time being present in the moment with them. So that means far less writing either blog posts or emails, but far more time spent actually living. Still lots of cooking of beautiful food– my homemade matzoh this year for Passover was fabulous– but less posting about it here.
I mean, come on, if you had this little guy at your feet to play and snuggle with, I think you’d move away from the computer as well!
And when I do turn on the computer, I have to take a lot of breaks to protect my wrist and right forearm, which have been really sensitive lately due to the aforementioned all day on the computer at work. So my writing for pleasure is now far more sporadic than it used to be, even when I desperately want to write. And then I end up with all of these way outdated drafts that I don’t end up actually posting here.
I think it’s time to go back to good old fashioned letters to friends back in the States.
Below is a post I started two weeks ago, and never got back around to. But it’s a topic dear to my heart, so I’m going to post it belatedly and incomplete anyway.
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One of New Zealand’s infamous big gay rainbows.
Back in August, at the first reading of the Marriage (Definition of Marriage) Amendment Bill, I wrote about my hope for marriage equality in both of the places I call my home — the United States and New Zealand. And last week, New Zealand made history by becoming the thirteenth country to legalise same-sex marriage. (And congratulations to Uruguay and France as well).
Last Wednesday, Laura and I watched the Parliamentary debates with an open heart, and were gratified to see so many members of Parliament explaining how they were proud to be a part of history, and to make marriage equality in New Zealand a reality.
It seems crazy that it’s already the new year, and I apologize that it’s been so long since my last post! These last few months have just flown by, but here’s a little taste of where I’ve been and some highlights from 2012, my first full calendar year living in New Zealand…
January 2012: I began formally teaching yoga in Wellington at a couple of gyms and yoga studios, went to a wedding, and took a couple of really lovely walks. Also, I wrote my first column for The Yoga Lunchbox.
New Years Day morning, 2012
New Years walk to Red Rocks, January 2, 2012
February 2012: Upheld my Pennsylvania roots by hosting a Groundhog’s Day barbecue; celebrated Waitangi Day by taking a hike, taught lots of yoga classes all over the city, and ate ourselves silly at the Greek Food Festival.
Walking through Belmont Park, Lower Hutt, 6 February 2012
An afternoon walk through Mount Victoria, Wellington, after the Greek Food Festival, 25 February 2012
March 2012: Double birthday celebrations for my partner and I, a wedding, and a weekend of wine and olive oil tastings and good food in Martinborough.
Vineyards in Martinborough
Olive groves in the Wairarapa
April 2012: My parents came to visit and we headed down to the South Island: Queenstown, Milford Sound, West Coast, Kaikoura, and then off to Brisbane for a few days for my first visit across the ditch to Oz.
Flying over Wellington en route to the South Island
Milford Sound, Fiordland, April 2012
Koalas and a kookaburra at Lone Pine Sanctuary, Brisbane, Queensland, Australia
May 2012: Back to the United States to visit family and friends…
Late spring in the Berkshires
5Pointz, Long Island City, Queens, New York
Philadelphia
Delaware Water Gap, Pennsylvania
June 2012: From the east coast to the midwest to visit family and friends in Wisconsin and Minnesota, and then back home to Wellington…
Split Rock lighthouse, Duluth, Minnesota
Stay tuned for photos from July – December 2012, coming soon…
This past week started off with a bang– fireworks on Monday for Guy Fawkes night!
We had the good fortune of spending the evening at the lovely Foxglove right on the waterfront, where we celebrated a friend’s birthday with amazing cakes from Pandoro— a gluten-free dark chocolate cake which was divine, and a lovely carrot cake. I’ve been on a total carrot cake kick lately — I made one last weekend using the BBC’s yummy scrummy carrot cake recipe, which I highly recommend. It isn’t called yummy scrummy for nothing!
And then, of course, there was the US election this week, which was big news here in New Zealand. I spent most of Wednesday being nervous and trying not to hit the refresh button on the New York Times website every three seconds. I actually found out the result of the election from my Wednesday evening yoga students, who happily informed me before class began that Obama had won.
However, this election cycle was very exciting beyond just that. In addition to Obama winning a second term, Elizabeth Warren won in Massachusetts, unseating Scott Brown. Maine, Maryland, and Washington state voted to allow same-sex marriage, bringing the US to nine states, plus the District of Columbia that offer marriage equality. And Minnesota voted not to ban it, which is a step in the right direction for sure.
And, Tammy Baldwin, Congressperson for the 2nd district of Wisconsin, was elected to the US Senate.
Tammy Baldwin and I in 2002.
I had the absolute privilege of working on Tammy’s campaign back in the day when I was in graduate school in Wisconsin, and have so much awe and respect for her. She’s one of the very few who went into politics for the right reason– to try to make a difference and to make people’s lives better. I could not be happier that she’s now made history as being Wisconsin’s first female senator and beyond that as the first and only openly gay member of the US Senate.
And then yesterday was “Gay Red Shirt Day,” here in New Zealand, after Prime Minister John Key told a radio host last week that he was wearing a “gay red top.” When later asked about his use of the word “gay,” Key responded that he used the word to mean “weird” and that he hadn’t meant any harm and had used it in the sense that his children use it, and that it is in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Which is all well and good– except that you do kind of want your prime minister to be more thoughtful and articulate than a 13 year old! So “Gay Red Shirt Day” was organized and received quite a bit of media attention here in New Zealand– it was even announced on the radio as I was getting ready for work, which was pretty exciting.
So of course, Laura and I both donned our gay red apparel, and took a wander down to Parliament.
And lots of other people did too. It was quite lovely to see so many red shirts among the sea of black and grey apparel that tends to be the Wellington uniform.
Even the Canterbury Wizards cricket team got into the spirit (though I suppose they probably wear red pretty frequently…)
After work on Friday we went to my first professional cricket game, which was great. We even made it onto the big screen at the game, which was pretty exciting. And Wellington won, which is always good!
Everyone was sitting on our side of the stadium, so the other side looks totally empty. But there were people in the stands!
Anyway, now that I’m back to working full time, there’s much less time for writing during the week. Spending all day on the computer at work, I’m not much inclined to immediately hop on my laptop again in the evenings. In fact, I’m trying to spend as little time on the computer as possible at the end of the day. So my posts have been a bit more sporadic this past month, and that will probably continue. But I hope that everyone is doing well, and do give that carrot cake recipe a try!
There’s a lot that I haven’t been writing about lately. It’s much easier to throw up a post with pretty pictures of cute things and food than it is to write about the messiness of the past month and a half or so. The messiness hasn’t been all bad by any means– some of it has been changes that are really good, actually– but it’s made me think about the scope of this blog, and what I want to share with the world and what I don’t.
“My hope for this blog has always been to share kind honesty, beauty, and simple guidance through a hectic world.”
I started this blog back in May 2011 for the purpose of “documenting my life and travels as I uproot myself, shed most of my belongings, and move across the world for love.” I’d hoped it would be a way of creating a connection to family and friends back in the States. And then, when I got here, it morphed into more than just that– a space to promote my yoga classes here in Wellington, and a forum for sharing my love of fresh, delicious food and recipes that I’ve come across or created. And of course, a way for faraway loved ones to check in with what’s going on in my life.
A couple of weeks back, I had my first negative comment on one of my articles on The Yoga Lunchbox, questioning the premise of my entire column and dismissing my writing as self-indulgent, ‘western fixation on food.’
It’s true that I could write about things — both on this blog, and in my column– that are more substantial. And sometimes I do.
But there is so much out there– particularly online– that is so negative and non-constructive, that I want my little corner of the internet to be something positive. Something beautiful.
Of course, the truth of the matter is that with all of the good and the beauty and the wonder, being an ex-pat — in New Zealand or anywhere — is just damn hard sometimes. Some days being 9,000 miles away feels like a million.
And in those moments, the simple things– like having fresh kale, or cornbread, or a bowl of really good soup– can make all the difference in the world.
Today at lunch, I sat outside eating a brown rice, edamame, tofu and carrot salad that Laura had made for us, and my mood was immediately lifted.
It may be mundane, but I truly do believe that good food really can make a difference in this world.
Veggie roti chennai from one of the Malaysian restaurants in town.
Each weekend, Laura and I head to the veggie market and head back home with two big tote bags overflowing with fresh produce that we use to make meals during the week. We have our staples that we get every trip– spinach, celery, mushrooms, spring onion, carrots, fresh tofu, and free range eggs. And sometimes we arrive with a recipe idea in our minds and seek out particular items as a result. But generally, we let what’s in season at the markets be our guide.
We’re fortunate to have lots of beautiful winter produce in New Zealand– pumpkins (squash), brussels sprouts, cabbage, silverbeet (swiss chard), potatoes, kumara, parsnips, citrus fruits, and more. Laura bought a brand new — and enormous– soup pot at the beginning of the winter, and homemade soups have been our staple these past few months.
Pumpkin and white bean soup.
Another winter staple this season has been sauteed greens with brown rice– particularly kale, which is only available for a couple of months out of the year. We’re attempting to grow our own kale in pots on our balcony, but so far it’s had limited success.
One of my favourite meals this winter was something that Laura initially made for us, and that we’ve had several times since.
Puy lentil and bulghur wheat salad to the left, and roasted Brussels sprouts with almonds on the right. I was never a fan of sprouts, but this recipe converted me.
But what I actually meant to be writing about was this evening’s meal. Spring is here– finally! Although the weather is changeable as anything, it’s beginning to warm up during the day, and today I even went out without a coat and hat. Even so, evenings become quite cold as soon as the sun goes down, and the space heater has been on quite a bit at our flat so we don’t freeze at night.
Anyway, at the farmer’s market this week, I had found some some large green leaves resembling collard greens, and immediately snapped up a bunch. I hadn’t seen anything remotely like collard greens since arriving in New Zealand, and while I’m pretty sure that it’s actually Chinese broccoli greens, I decided that I was going to make a traditional Southern US meal and just pretend that they were real collards.
My pseudo-collards, sauteeing.
Funnily enough, during the two years I actually lived in the south, I didn’t eat that much collard greens. Mostly because I’d never really encountered them prior to moving to Memphis (and thus didn’t know what I was missing). And also because the traditional way of cooking collards includes throwing in a ham bone (and probably some lard as well), and that didn’t much appeal to my vegetarian ways.
It was when I went to visit a dear friend in Oakland, California that I finally discovered the wonder that is vegan soul food. Collard greens not cooked in meat are about the best thing ever.
As a general rule, I try to eat locally and sustainably, regardless of where I’m living. So upon moving here to New Zealand, I figured it was time to embrace the local food culture, which Wellington has in abundance. I’ve been enamored with local olives and olive oils from the Wairarapa, the local organic milk and cheeses, and of course, the local fruit and veg. I’ve tried my hand at making kiwi classics as pavlova, savoury muffins, and silverbeet pie. I’ve delighted in the previously unfamiliar tastes of feijoa and savoury yeast spreads, and absolutely loved the abundance of summer passionfruit fresh from my colleague’s back yard.
But once the idea of collard greens was in my head, there was no turning back. Suddenly, I was craving barbecued tofu and cornbread as well. It was time for a proper American Southern meal here in Wellington.
Barbecued tofu, cornbread muffin, and greens. All I can say is yum. We had a couple of portobello mushrooms in the fridge, so I threw them in with the greens as well. Not exactly traditional, but it really complimented the flavour of my faux collards.
Although I’d planned to make my own homemade barbecue sauce, I came across a bottle of organic, gluten free barbecue sauce at the health food store, and decided to save myself a few steps and give that a try instead. It was different than the barbecue sauces I’ve had in the States, but it was still pretty good. And the tofu was absolutely perfect.
As I took that first bite into the corn muffin, I was instantly transported back to the States. Memories of cornbread in Memphis, as well as Jonnycakes in Rhode Island flooded back to me.
I have to admit that I’m still learning about the kiwi political system and how Parliament here works, but today was a big day. In May of this year, Member of Parliament Louisa Wall (Labour- Manuwera) introduced legislation to legalise same-sex marriage in New Zealand. This evening, Laura and I sat glued to Parliament TV, watching the the first reading of the bill, and the arguments for and against, biting our nails waiting for the results of the conscience vote.
The bill passed its first reading with a vote of 80-40. Which is huge.
Admittedly, it’s just the beginning of the process. From here, the bill will be considered by a select committee, and then there will be two more votes before it can pass in to law.
To me the issue of marriage equality — and equality for the LGBTQ community generally– is an intensely personal one. It’s why I left my home country to create a new life abroad.
In the US, the inequality is tangible. Rights for LGBTQ people vary from state to state, but nowhere in the United States offers full equality and equal protection under the law for same sex relationships due to overarching federal laws that legislate discrimination.
These rights and protections that all heterosexual married couples in the US are automatically eligible for include tax benefits, social security payments following the death of a spouse, employee benefits, healthcare, and immigration, just to name a few.
I’m grateful to live in a place where same-relationships are recognized by the government, and where for the most part– marriage excepted– I have equal protection under the law as any straight person would. Only 15 countries– Australia, Belgium, Canada, Denmark, Finland, France, Germany, Iceland, the Netherlands, New Zealand, Norway, South Africa, Sweden and the United Kingdom– recognize lesbian and gay couples for the purposes of immigration. I feel fortunate beyond measure that I happened to fall in love with someone from one of those places, and my heart aches for so many friends and others out there who don’t have the ability to legally live in the same country as the person they love.
Every single day I am grateful to be here in New Zealand, and to wake up with my partner right here beside me.
For a long time, the issue of same-sex marriage wasn’t that important to me. Oh sure, I supported it, and went to rallies, and emailed my members of congress, and donated to the Human Rights Campaign. But marriage itself didn’t seem particularly appealing to me. I was in favour of civil unions and civil benefits that offered equal protection under the law. Marriage seemed too tied up in religion and heterosexual norms. I was proudly queer and going to carve out a different life for myself than what society dictated. Marriage, schmarriage. Not for me. No white dresses, over-the-top extravagant affairs or registering for sets of expensive china that no one actually needs.
And then, something began to change. Maybe it was finally meeting the right person, and knowing instinctively that I had met my soulmate and the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Maybe it was attending friends’ weddings, and seeing how joyful and beautiful and truly, truly special those occasions were.
Watching my lesbian friends marry– I saw how much respect there was for the word marriage, the institution of marriage, and gratitude for the simple ability to marry that most straight couples take for granted.
If you’re a religious institution that doesn’t support same-sex marriages, then don’t marry same-sex couples in your church/place of worship. Fair enough.
But there are heaps of churches and congregations that are open and affirming and that do support marriage equality (St. Andrews’ on the Terrace here in Wellington is just one example). So why should those churches be prevented from legally marrying members of their own congregations, just because other churches don’t want to?
Most people grow up assuming that they’ll meet someone and get married. It’s what people do. And it’s heartbreaking to have politicians and the government telling you that you can’t participate in one of the most meaningful events in life. You can make a commitment to each other and share a life, but you can’t marry. Sorry– didn’t you know? Equal rights are only for us straight people.
Now, there’s nothing wrong with getting a civil union. If you can’t or don’t want to get married, it’s a good option, and I think it’s awesome that in New Zealand, both heterosexual couples and same-sex couples have that option. But it’s not the same. There’s not a universal understanding of what a civil union is. If I called up my grandmother in Colorado and said, “Guess what, I’m getting Civil Unioned!” (or “CU-ed,” as a friend used to refer to it) she wouldn’t have the slightest idea what I was talking about. But if I said, “Guess what, I’m getting married!” that would be something that would immediately make sense to her.
And in terms of immigration, if Laura and I ever wanted to move back to the US (should the laws there change to make such things possible!) a domestic partnership or civil union from New Zealand would be meaningless. We would need a proper marriage.
I’m hopeful that the US government will end the Defense of Marriage Act and allow the federal recognition of thousands of legal marriages that already exist in the US, and allow same-sex couples in every state to marry and have their marriages recognized across state lines.
I’m hopeful that in the coming months, New Zealand will pass the legislation read tonight, allowing marriage to be an option to all New Zealanders.
And I’m hopeful that someday soon, I can legally marry the love of my life, and have that marriage be recognised in both of the countries that I call my home.
Over the course of a month, we visited friends and family in nine states. I was excited to share the unique regional food cultures of each location with my partner. We also made homemade dinners overflowing with kale and fresh greens for the friends and family who hosted us along the way.
The state of Wisconsin is known mainly for three things: American football, beer, and cheese. The small towns that we passed through on the road to visit my sister in northern Minnesota had the same options: a brewery, a cheese factory, and/or a Scandanavian bakery. Once again we were in a land where all salads involved chicken or other meat.
Sometimes being forced to change your food habits can feel frustrating. But sometimes too, it can be part of the fun. As they say in the US, if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.
“My counsel to you, women of Smith College? Let life surprise you. Don’t have a plan. Plans are for wusses. If my life went according to my plan, I would never, ever have the life I have today.”
— Actress and comedian Jane Lynch, 20 May 2012
When I was young, I used to continually map out my life. I had 5 year plans, 10 year plans, lists of what I was going to accomplish in my life by age 30, etc., etc. I was motivated. I was ambitious. And dammit, I was going to do it all!
In retrospect, the lists are mostly just hilarious– particularly a list of what I wanted in a romantic partner which included the gem, “Someone who likes Dawson’s Creek.” But I have done an awful lot of the things from those lists. Go to college in New England. Live in Italy. Travel a lot. Own a food dehydrator.
(In junior high school, I did convince my parents to order a Ronco food dehydrator from the infomercials on tv, which we used approximately 3 times before relegating it to a very special place in the basement in my parents’ house — where I do believe it still remains).
But it is true that the life I spelled out on those lists is very, very different from the life I have now, and I am so very glad.
Artwork by Amy Kalisher, http://lifecraft.blogspot.com. My friend Karen gave me this card when we graduated from yoga teacher training, and I brought it with me here to New Zealand.
I’ll be honest. After a solid six months in New Zealand, I’m feeling genuinely homesick today.
Not because of anything in particular, but it’s just been one of those days where I feel acutely aware of the fact that I live very far away from the vast majority of the people I care about. Over the past month or so, there’s been lots of good news from friends back in the States– births, engagements, weddings, and other things that I would have truly loved to be there to celebrate. There have also been more challenging things that just as many friends and loved ones are going through, and I wish I could be there in person to provide support and encouragement and love to all of them. Or better yet, a crazy big hug. I really wish I didn’t have to wait another six months to do so.
It’s a beautiful night in Wellington– windy as usual, with the clouds just absolutely racing across the evening sky, and the last glow of pale lavender evening light about to disappear behind the mountains. It’s an idyllic, comforting scene outside my window, and one that does truly feel like I’ve come home.
But with that said, I really do miss the States tonight.
A little over two months ago, I wrote a post about being in the interim time, and how uncomfortable of a place that can be. The original post was inspired by a poem by John O’Donohue, For the Interim Time, that seemed to describe how it felt being here in the weeks just after I arrived. What is below isn’t the full poem, which you can read here, but these are the verses that spoke to me most at the time.
You are in this time of the interim Where everything seems withheld.
The path you took to get here has washed out; The way forward is still concealed from you.
As far as you can, hold your confidence. Do not allow confusion to squander This call which is loosening Your roots in false ground, That you might come free From all you have outgrown.
What is being transfigured here in your mind, And it is difficult and slow to become new. The more faithfully you can endure here, The more refined your heart will become For your arrival in the new dawn.
And that’s exactly what happened. It’s taken me a while, but I feel like I’ve finally begun to find my groove here in Wellington.
I’ve begun to run into people I know around town. (Two people just today, in fact!)
I’m able to give directions to tourists on street corners struggling to find their way from the guidebooks and outstretched maps in their hands.
Also in January, I’ll be teaching yoga at Freyberg Pool and Fitness Centre on Monday mornings for one of the teachers there who will be on holiday for the month.
I’m really excited for all of it.
When I moved to Memphis for my first job out of grad school, the first few months were really hard and really isolating. But right about three months in was when things really started to look up. I began meeting people outside of work and found a group of steady friends that I really connected with. On any given day, I could go to one of the coffee shops in midtown and run into someone I knew. (Admittedly, there were some days when that wasn’t so ideal!) And, I had my yoga studio, which became the center of my community in Memphis during my two years there.
When I moved to Connecticut, it was much harder to build those connections and find a community. It took me about two years actually.
But if New Englanders are known for being reserved, kiwis are famous for being the opposite. And Wellington has so many North American ex-pats too that have been wonderfully welcoming to me. And it means so much to me.
Last night Laura and I went to a wedding, and just had an absolute blast. The wedding itself was really beautiful, and it was great to be a part of it, and to laugh and dance, and just feel truly connected. It’s a beautiful, beautiful thing.
Kiwi and Kumara: My Life in New Zealand 